I hadn't even realized
by babythisislife
Summary: Kaoru thinking about the host club and Hikaru. First fic


**Hello, this is my first fic. I wanted to do something simple but with feeling and I LOVE the twins. Reviews would be nice? I dunno if I want to leave it like it is, or continue going with it. **

I watched as they walked away slowly. I had removed my hands from their shoulders and they didn't even realize it. Jealous thoughts plagued my mind because he was supposed to notice if I wasn't there. He always had before, but sometimes it was like he forgot I even existed. For as long as I could remember it had been just him and I, never including anyone. Then _she _came along, ruined everything that I had worked so hard to keep. She knew us better than anyone, that's no lie. At first it was simple curiosity that drove us to play silly games with her and pretend we actually cared about anything but each other. Truth be told, we did like the rest of the Host Club but we never openly expressed it, especially to them. That would mean that someone had made it beyond our world, and I don't even think Hikaru realized how far in they were.

I loved Hikaru, no matter what our relation was. I couldn't decide if it was narcissism, longing to know that someone knew me as Kaoru and not "one of the Hitachiin twins", or if I simply was fated to love him no matter what. Ever since I could remember it was him and I. Not even mother knew which was which by the time we were 5. That hurt at first, and if I remember correctly we covered up the disappointment of mother not even really knowing who we were by inventing a game. The "Which one is Hikaru" game started out being silly and laughable, until we realized that no one really could tell if they had gotten it right. Sometimes I think we liked it that way, made us unreachable to anyone but each other. This was also when we started shoving everyone away and became "There is us and there is them. We are not them". It made us feel like one person instead of two separate beings. I guess that was where the problems started, because we could never decide if we wanted to stay as one person or be recognized as two, who were different.

The decision to be one or both was interchangeable, as we had made ourselves. There was no deciding when we were around the Host Club though; they always wanted to know who was who. We weren't one person to them, we were separate. It bothered me at first that they were so nosey, and then it would occasionally pop into my head that they do it because they want us to know we could be who we wanted to be. I thought of all the people who had tried to convey that they wanted to include us, and the older we got the less they came. People had always wanted to befriend us because of the power our family held, not like when we were little and people had any genuine interest in who we really were. The effect this realization had on us only caused us to push everyone away more, doubt the sincerity of nearly every person. No one could say that they liked us for who we were because we weren't nice to anyone. Then Tamaki came along and ruined the image of the mean and hateful brothers we had worked to build.

I was angry, but at whom or what I couldn't figure out. It wasn't Tamaki, for making us join this God awful club; he had been the first person to show any interest in who we were separately. He was a special person to us, regardless of all his mindless chatter and annoying involvement. Not Honni or Mori who reminded me of us with the way the clung to and protected each other. They were a good example of what we could be if we wanted to. Kyouya wasn't it, behind all his cold glaring there was a way that he watched over us like he really did…care? He said he was only in it for personal gain, but that only made it easier for everyone to accept, he played like he didn't have to be liked by anyone because he didn't like anyone either. Perhaps it was Hikaru himself for ignoring what I now knew to be true, he had betrayed me. He had stepped out of our world to take the hand of...yes; it had to be that girl.

Haruhi had stuck her hand into the place that was only meant for us. She didn't belong here and I wasn't going to welcome her with open arms. Not when she was taking away the one thing that I had been able to count on my whole life. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, blocking the tears that might have spilled otherwise. I couldn't do it…I couldn't be mad at any of them, not even her. She was special to, because she really wanted to know who we were. And if I was being honest with myself I knew I loved her too. I didn't love her more than or like Hikaru mind you, but I did love her. In my own warped way I wanted her to stay with us. It was an odd feeling, realizing that I didn't want her to go, but also knowing she would never step into the place we were. She would never be who we were; she would only break us down and change us.

When I opened my eyes back up they hadn't gone far. Hikaru stopped and turned, finally realizing my absence. It was then I realized how small our world still was, even though the whole Host Club had somehow managed to work their way in. It wasn't just her that was here, it was all of them. They all held some importance in our daily life and it dawned upon me that we would be so much different if they didn't. Everyone in the Music room had made us open up little by little in their own way without my even noticing. "Are you coming?" He called smiling, holding out his hand to me like I was the only one he ever wanted to take that hand. I ran to him wanting nothing more than to feel my hand in his, so when he took it I was happy. It was sad that our precious world had been stretched and deformed, but happy that it was only that way to fit in the people that mean the most to us.

We weren't us anymore, we were them.


End file.
